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The Confident Mother

Helping ambitious women in technology manage their career with confidence and purpose

21st October 2014

How often do you fall into the guilty mother trap?

Oops, yes I fell into the guilty mother trap this morning. No matter how hard we try, sometimes we make mistakes. And then we feel bad about it.

This morning I overslept. I don’t know whether the alarm didn’t go off or whether I just slept through it. The thing is, if I don’t get up on time, nobody else in the house does. I have realised that they are all reliant on me. Now I could get all cross, stomp my feet and have a mini tantrum. “Why do I have to get everybody up?”. And yes of course, risk management in hindsight is all well and good, but it shouldn’t have happened. So my husband has been given firm instructions now that his alarm needs to be set too. (I hadn’t realised he didn’t set his alarm – now I understand why I’m always calling up the stairs at 7.30 when it’s time for him to get up).

I woke up at about the time my daughter needs to be arriving at the school gates. She gets a detention if she’s late. It’s about a 25 minute walk to school or a 5 minute drive if you’re lucky with the traffic. There is no way she will have arrived on time today and I know she will be very upset if she gets a detention. Possibly she’ll escape one because she has 100% attendance/punctuality record since she started. However I also know her form tutor is strict. And in my opinion, that’s the way it should be. So yes, I fell into the guilty mother trap this morning. I overslept and therefore my daughter will be late for school. The being late for school, I can cope with (even though I hate being late for anything). What hurts me more is that I know she’ll be really upset, and that is the tough one to manage.

Now the truth behind me oversleeping … we were out dancing all night on Saturday celebrating a family birthday. So I was overtired – I’m getting old! I need more sleep. Last night, I was up until way way past my normal bedtime doing ‘work’ for a virtual conference that I am running in January. Did it need to be done last night? No, not at all. I allowed my excitement and enthusiasm for my Confident Mother project to shove sensible behaviour to one side. And that’s why I feel guilty. We feel guilt for a reason: “Guilt is a weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not.” from the novel Girl at Sea by Maureen Johnson. Guilt exists to tell us that we are hurting someone or doing something wrong. At least it is our PERCEPTION that we are hurting someone or doing something that we believe to be wrong. But feeling guilty does not MAKE you guilty. It does not necessarily mean that what you are doing or thinking or feeling is wrong.

I like Audre Lorde’s quote about guilt from Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches. “Guilt is not a response to anger; it is a response to one’s own actions or lack of action.  If it leads to change then it can be useful, since it is then no longer guilt but the beginning of knowledge.”

My feelings of guilt today WILL lead to a change:

a) I will go to bed on time and not do computer work after 10pm at night.

b) My husband will put his alarm on too so we have a fallback system in place.

What about you? How will you deal with your feelings of guilt today?

Guilt is such a complex emotion.  A few months ago, I created an online course to help mums deal with guilt Working Mum’s Guide to Ditching the Guilt. I don’t really know why I have not got round to publishing it. Based on today’s episode, I WILL be releasing it next week. This has given me the kick up the backside to get it released. I know I am a strong confident mother but I still struggle with guilt, so I reckon you do too, and therefore this course will be so valuable to you. Contact me if you want to be notified when it goes live.

Thanks for listening. If you like this, please do share on Facebook or Twitter.

 

Article by Sherry Bevan / Children, Guilt, Lawyer mums, Mum, Parenting, Working mums / children, guilt, lawyer mum, Mum, Working mum 8 Comments

Comments

  1. Joan Wallington says

    22nd October 2014 at 5:33 am

    So true! I meet loads of mums each day and certainly this is one of the issues they come across, Nice to see they are not alone

    Reply
    • SherryB says

      1st November 2014 at 9:46 pm

      Thanks Joan. I just realise I didn’t reply at the time.

      Reply
  2. Jessica Aiduk says

    1st November 2014 at 9:42 pm

    Oh yes, this rings very true for me. One way I’m going to let the guilty feelings fuel change is to prioritize while my girls are at school or sleeping – that will be my computer ‘work’ time. And while they’re awake and around, I’m going to make sure I spend some time with them… reading books, working on coloring projects, going on an outing, etc. Another thing I’m working on is similar to yours – asking my husband to shoulder more responsibilities. I feel guilty for things I shouldn’t (when he doesn’t have any clean socks for work) but in reality, it’s not all my responsibility to do the washing. Thanks for your thoughts!

    Reply
    • SherryB says

      1st November 2014 at 9:45 pm

      That sounds fabulous Jessica. I love it when we can turn guilty feelings into positive change.

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. What does “confident mother” mean to you? | Girls Night In says:
    25th October 2014 at 8:40 pm

    […] how I spend my time with my family; how I deal with crises (such as sleeping through my alarm, like I did a few days ago); how I help my children to deal with challenges and successes. What about you? What does being a […]

    Reply
  2. Round-up of the last few days | Girls Night In says:
    31st October 2014 at 1:08 pm

    […] Tuesday 21 October Ooops I crashed into the guilty mother trap on Tuesday. Overtired from my sister’s birthday celebrations and not enough sleep. What is guilt and how do we use it to make positive change. […]

    Reply
  3. My journey to The Confident Mother | Girls Night In says:
    6th November 2014 at 6:14 pm

    […] need to carry all the guilt baggage. Guilt has its purpose (as I discussed in an earlier blog) however it’s not essential. I want all mums to feel confident in their abilities as a […]

    Reply
  4. My best posts in 2014 | Inspiration Party says:
    30th December 2014 at 9:07 am

    […] How often do you fall into the guilty mother trap? published in October 2014. […]

    Reply

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