If your partner is breastfeeding your new baby, you might sometimes wonder what your role is.
Perhaps it feels as though she is doing all the feeding, while you’re left wondering how you can help, how you can bond with your baby, and what you’re supposed to do when breastfeeding isn’t going smoothly.
The good news is that there is lots you can do.
And your support really matters. Evidence shows that women who feel supported with breastfeeding are more likely to have a positive and successful breastfeeding experience.
So, dads and partners, here’s how you can make a real difference.
Remember: you are different from Mum
Your baby knows you.
You smell different. You sound different. You feel different. You hold your baby differently.
And that’s a good thing.
If your baby is restless, wriggly or frustrated when you’re holding them, don’t assume that you’re doing something wrong. Your baby may simply be getting used to you.
Sometimes, being held by you will be exactly what your baby needs to settle.
And don’t underestimate the importance of that physical contact. It really does help with the bonding process.
Every time you hold, cuddle, touch, look at or carry your baby, you’re helping to build your relationship with them. Skin-to-skin contact is particularly valuable, but simply spending time together matters too.
You don’t have to feed your baby to bond with them.
Breastfeeding is intense – for both of you
Having a new baby is a huge transition.
You’re suddenly responsible for this tiny person, your normal routine has disappeared and sleep deprivation is very real.
And your partner is also recovering from giving birth while experiencing huge hormonal changes.
So don’t be surprised if you’re both exhausted, emotional and occasionally snappy with each other.
Give each other some grace.
It takes time to adjust to life with a newborn.
You may also notice that your partner seems particularly emotional a few days after the birth. The “baby blues” are very common and usually settle within a couple of weeks. If she’s continuing to struggle or you are worried about how she is feeling, encourage her to speak to a health professional.
And remember that you’re allowed to find this difficult too.
Learn to recognise your baby’s feeding cues
One really useful thing you can do is learn how breastfeeding works.
Breastfeeding is largely about supply and demand: the more milk that is removed from the breasts, the more milk the body is stimulated to produce.
That means your baby may want to feed very frequently, particularly in those early days.
It can look like they’re feeding constantly.
You might hear someone say, “My baby wasn’t like that,” but people have remarkably short memories when it comes to those exhausting early newborn days!
So if your baby seems to want to feed again five minutes after finishing, that doesn’t automatically mean that something is wrong or that your partner doesn’t have enough milk.
Learn to recognise your baby’s early feeding cues too. Your baby might start looking around, opening their mouth, putting their hands towards their mouth or becoming more restless.
You can help by spotting those cues and letting Mum know: “I think she’s looking for a feed.”
Don’t underestimate nappies!
Nappy changing might not sound like the most exciting way to bond with your baby, but it absolutely is.
You’re caring for your baby. You’re talking to them, looking at them, touching them and responding to their needs.
And it’s not just nappies.
Talk to your baby. Sing to them. Read to them. Carry them. Take them for a walk in a sling. Have some skin-to-skin time.
All these things help your baby learn that love and comfort don’t only come from feeding.
You don’t need to give a bottle to bond with your baby.
If you want to be involved in feeding, that’s completely understandable. But feeding isn’t the only way you fall in love with your baby – caring for them is.
Take care of the practical stuff
This is particularly important in the early days.
If your partner has had a caesarean birth, for example, bending, lifting and getting up and down can be uncomfortable or difficult.
So pick up the baby.
Do the nappy changes.
Make the food.
Do the washing.
Make the tea.
And when visitors arrive, don’t let your partner become the hostess.
If someone wants a cup of tea, they can make it themselves!
Your partner has just given birth and is feeding a baby. She doesn’t need to be rushing around looking after everyone else.
Be her biggest cheerleader
Tell her she’s doing well.
Tell her you’re proud of her.
Tell her you love watching her feed your baby.
Sometimes your partner may be exhausted, uncomfortable or convinced that she’s getting everything wrong. Hearing you say, “You’re doing brilliantly” can make a huge difference.
If you went to antenatal classes together, remind her of things you learned.
But there’s an important caveat here.
Support doesn’t mean becoming the breastfeeding expert.
When everyone is tired, “You’re doing that wrong” or “This is what you need to do” probably isn’t going to land particularly well.
Instead, ask what she needs.
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Would you like me to get you something?”
“Do you want me to find someone who can help?”
Gentle communication matters enormously when you’re both running on very little sleep.
Don’t be the first person to suggest formula
If breastfeeding is difficult, your partner is exhausted or your baby is struggling to latch, it can be tempting to say:
“Why don’t we just give the baby a bottle?”
Of course you are genuinely trying to help.
But if your partner is determined to breastfeed, hearing this from the person she most needs to support her can be incredibly demoralising – and may create resentment.
That doesn’t mean formula or expressed milk can never be part of your feeding journey.
It means don’t assume that offering a bottle is the answer.
Instead, be the person who says:
“Let’s get some help.”
Be the person who finds skilled help
This is one of the most useful things you can do.
Know where breastfeeding support is available before you need it.
There are breastfeeding counsellors, peer supporters, lactation consultants and other skilled professionals who can help if things aren’t going well.
And don’t assume your partner has to be the one to make the call.
If she’s exhausted, tearful or anxious, picking up the phone and explaining what’s happening can feel like a huge task.
You can make the call.
Breastfeeding counsellors are very used to talking to partners and dads. You don’t need to feel awkward about asking questions or getting involved.
Getting help early can make a huge difference.
Protect the breastfeeding bubble
Here’s another really important job for partners: protect your partner and baby from the pressure of everyone else.
When a new baby arrives, everyone wants a cuddle.
Understandably so.
Perhaps it’s the first grandchild, first niece or first nephew. Everyone is excited.
But your newborn isn’t a parcel to be passed around.
In those early days, your baby needs lots of time with Mum – and lots of time with you too. They are getting used to different smells, voices, touches and ways of being held.
If your baby becomes fractious or upset, it’s perfectly reasonable to give them back to Mum or for you to comfort them.
And tune in to your partner too.
Sometimes she may really want her baby back but feel uncomfortable saying so, particularly if it’s your mum or another close family member holding the baby.
If you sense that she’s hovering or looking uncomfortable, you can step in.
“Perhaps we should give the baby back to Mum.”
It’s a small thing, but it tells your partner: I’ve got your back.
You don’t have to breastfeed to be an important part of this
Your partner may be the one producing the milk, but breastfeeding doesn’t have to be something she does instead of you.
You can be completely involved.
You can hold the baby.
Change nappies.
Have skin-to-skin contact.
Settle them.
Sing to them.
Read to them.
Carry them.
Make the meals.
Make the tea.
Deal with visitors.
Find breastfeeding support.
Tell your partner how proud you are of her.
And, perhaps most importantly, be the person who says:
“We’re in this together.”
Because you are.
Breastfeeding is something your partner and baby are learning together. Your role isn’t to take over. It’s to support, protect, encourage and care for both of them.
And sometimes, the most valuable thing you can do is simply sit beside them and say:
“You’re doing brilliantly. How can I help?”
Where to get support
NCT Infant Feeding Line open 8am to midnight, every day of the year: 0300 330 0700
National Breastfeeding Line available 24 hours a day, every day of the year: 0300 100 0212.
Find local expert support in the UK Breastfeeding Directory.
If you’re local to Bromley, pop in and see me at Baby Cafe Bromley on Monday mornings. Or book a private 1:1 home visit.
Read Sherry’s book The Confident Mother.
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