I’m so scared … radiotherapy means it’s the real deal

This week I’m celebrating the end of my daily radiotherapy treatment. Bizarrely I loved going to Guy’s every day. The staff were fabulous. Kind, respectful and professional. I will miss them. They brightened my day. But it wasn’t like that at the start.

Since my breast cancer surgery on 4 July, I’d felt so calm and getting back to life. Going to my first radiotherapy appointment was very different.

This is what I wrote in a private blog the day after my “sizing up” appointment at Guy’s.

“Sitting in the RT ‘village’ yesterday was suddenly and overwhelmingly emotional. As though it was the first time I realised “shit, this is a big deal“.

As an “empath”, it’s so easy to take on and be overwhelmed by other people’s stories and emotions. I was very conscious of that on the ward before surgery and took precautions. I didn’t yesterday … it’s just a scan after all.

It wasn’t that I was scared of the CT scan or RT … just the enormity of the whole thing, I guess. It’s the first time I’ve been properly emotional and weepy since the surgery. I felt completely wiped out in the afternoon. Brain not functioning. Words not forming.

I was surrounded by other people with cancer. Some looked really ill. Some looked like me – normal.

All part of the journey and the ups and downs I’m going to experience.

I now have a whole list of dates for my RT. Plus follow up appointment with the oncologist; and treatment reviews; and follow up with the surgeon too.

The radiographers were delightful. Kind and respectful. They explained everything. The lead radiographer asked me when I walked in the room “are you nervous?” I guess it showed. (I got home, went for a walk in the woods and howled. Life is so bloody unfair sometimes.).

But like I say, it wasn’t the scan that was making me feel scared, just the whole bloody breast cancer thing.

The equipment though is all absolutely fascinating. So clever. And I love their attention to detail. Everything is measured to the millimetre. Love it!

I am now the very proud owner of three magic dots – my little tattoos.”

Yes. Radiotherapy. The real deal. I had cancer. I am a survivor.

Tomorrow I’ll share how to stay positive during radiotherapy treatment. Click subscribe and you’ll be one of the first to know when I finish putting that post together.