Do you think it is possible to be a feminist and a mother? Is this a paradox?
Before I had children, I associated being a feminist with being a strong woman who stood up not just for her rights but for others too. Who wasn’t afraid to say what she thought. Who was not going to be put down by bullies or society.
Somehow, in the depths of my mind, I did not associate being a feminist with being a mother. In fact I’ll go one further, I thought you couldn’t be a mother if you were a feminist. Yet I was not conscious of these thoughts. When I started to write The Confident Mother, I kept being pulled by this conflict. What’s going on? How can I reconcile these two distinct people: mother and feminist.
I am a strong feminist and I am a good (enough) mother. Why can’t I allow the two people to appear in the same room? I am strident at times (my husband will attest to that); I am vocal; I am passionate. I get angry at injustice and inequality and I allow my anger to show. In my emotions, in my expressions, in my feelings, and most importantly in my actions. (One of the reasons that prompted me to train as a breastfeeding counsellor). By that, I don’t mean I throw bricks at the TV when some grey-suited male tells me all about why it’s so important to protect the family unit, and why we need to invest more funding in breastfeeding support (all the while, NHS England has withdrawn its funding to support my local breastfeeding drop-in). No I mean, I stand up and do something positive.
Before I explored the feminist mother concept for my book, I talked to my coach, Fi. I wanted to explore this disassociation and therefore conflict in my head about feminism and motherhood. Fi had studied sociology and she pointed out that nowhere in her readings and studies, even among the most lesbian writings, does it say anywhere at all that you can’t be both a mother and a feminist.
Where has this thought come from? It’s not even a conscious thought. But I know it is lurking there because from time to time, it ambushes me..
I recall my own mother – I guess probably a typical working mother in the 60s/70s. Doing some part-time jobs here and there, below her intellectual ‘status’ – my mum left school after GCEs. She had various jobs – she didn’t really have a career as such for many years. Later, in my late teenage years, she trained as a driving school instructor, and very good she was too. I don’t really think of her as a feminist.
Then I think of my maternal grandmother. My mum was the youngest of five daughters, though one of her sisters died very young. My Mum’s dad (my maternal grandfather) died when my mum was very young and so she never really knew her Dad. My Gran brought up her children all by herself – tough times because the welfare state was not what it is now. I remember my Mum telling me tales of my Gran working in a biscuit factory, not exactly well-paid work.
On my father’s side, my grandmother was one of life’s eccentrics. An artist who would happily live in a garret … she had worked in the hotel trade for much of her working life. She married my grandfather when she was quite young but the marriage didn’t work out. She left the family and left her children with their Dad. Even today that would be a shocking story, and it was even more so in the 1950s. My Nan remarried a few years later; her new husband was 20 years her junior. Another shocking story even by the standards of today’s newspapers.
In many ways, my Nan was the feminist who did what was right for her. But she ‘abandoned’ her family … I wonder if it is simply the language in my head that is confusing me so much? Is my vision of the “perfect” mother wrapped up in a romantic idea of a warm, round woman, who doesn’t have a strident, aggressive bone in her body? Is my messed up definition of a feminist tripping over my vision of the perfect mother?
What about you? What do you think? Can a woman be a strong feminist and a good (enough) mother? Do we switch off our feminist beliefs just because we have children? No, of course we don’t.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic.
Thought I should let you know … this post is adapted from a chapter in my book, The Confident Mother.
Sarah Arrow says
9th December 2015 at 9:27 pmI’ve had a similar internal conflict, however, I had no idea what a feminist was (beyond the laughable male stereotype) until my daughter was born. At that point I vowed to make the world a better place for her, that she wouldn’t have to experience the inequality that I did and that there would be no ceiling for her, glass or other kind.
And then at 18 she became a mother. She’d always wanted to be a mother, she’s a nurturing person and it floored me. And this was the point I reconciled motherhood and feminism. This was her right, her journey and her future and she’d chosen motherhood. As a feminist, I uphold the right for her to have a choice in how she lives her life and that she lives it without judgement.
Of course, she’s judged by me. She was going to grow up and change the world, and it would be a brighter place with her there, and now she’s removed herself from society to raise my grandson. This of course is my issue to deal with, I can’t help but mourn the loss of my daughter as a free-spirited young woman. She’s been replaced with a depressed miserable mother-like creature and I rail against it. But feminism tells me I have to stand back and let her live through her choices, that she has the right to make her choices because if I remove them I’ve become the patriarchy.
It’s because society places such a small value on a mother that I don’t want it for her. The issue with motherhood is societies, and not with feminism and it’s disentangling all of this that makes it all so hard.
Sherry Bevan says
10th December 2015 at 8:52 amOh so right Sarah. Yes it’s the disentangling that’s so hard and the fact that society, our society, places such a small value on being a mother. Thank you for your thought-provoking comment.
Charlene says
10th December 2015 at 9:41 amAbsolutely. I believe a feminist is someone that supports the rights of women. For me this includes the right to be or not be a mother, to work or not to work. I used to think that feminism meant being active in the cause but I now think that that may have excluded some people – made them think I am not a feminist when ethically they were.
Sherry Bevan says
10th December 2015 at 10:02 amI agree … it’s not necessarily about being active but about supporting the rights of women.
Sarah says
12th December 2015 at 11:00 pmThis is so interesting, Sherry. I always saw myself as pro-women, not necessarily “feminist” – sometimes seemed a bit militant. Being academically able I was always able to do pretty much what I chose to and for this I always felt grateful to generations of women who had to fight for me to be able to walk through doors that seemed already open.
When it came down to it, what I REALLY wanted to choose was motherhood. And once I had my baby I wanted to choose to be the one to be with him, raising him, and having worked hard and saved, my husband and I had the financial stability for us to make that choice. And there is power in being able to make these choices for ourselves (and knowing, since seeing Sufragette, how blessed we are to have rights over our children).
But I have found it a frustration that it still seems either/or for educated capable women who want to choose to be physically present for their children in their formative years and still use their talents and skills. I know so many mums who would fit a 40 hour week’s worth of work into school hours if it meant they could do drop off and pick up, but those opportunities are just not readily available. I think I am more militant about the lack of flexible working opportunities and recognition for stay home mums and their contribution to the future of the nation, and the community through volunteer hours, than I have ever been before…
Though I still don’t know how that makes motherhood and feminism sit together….
Sherry Bevan says
13th December 2015 at 10:57 amWhat is so frustrating is that women bring such a depth of talent to an organisation. We know companies do better when they have women in the senior management. And yet … how can it be SO difficult to provide the opportunities. I think feminism is about standing up for what is right … whether you are a mother or not. So many women DO amazing stuff. If we are the one doing school pickups/drop-offs, or working odd hours to fit around our kids, we are SO much more focussed and make much more effective use of our time. We have to.